There is so much life experience and wisdom that we gain as we age--each yearwe get tolearn more about ourselves, what's important to us, how we want to show up in this world, and how we want to share our gifts with others.
This year many of my close friends and I have the privilege of turning 40!This milestone got me reflecting on how people sometimes share the lessons they've learned as they celebrate another year of life. I love this concept and wanted to put together something similar. However instead of sharing what I've learned, I was inspired to ask women in their 40s and above:
What advice do you have for women turning 40?
What better way to begin this new decade than by learning from other women who have experienced it?
I also wanted to highlight the diverse journeys of women who are 40 years young and above. There's so much value in each of our experiences that only time and age can bring. And while our paths are all unique, there are also many threads that tie us together and show us that we are not alone.
I reached out to friends and people I admired and asked the question in my newsletter and on Instagram.
Here is the advice that was shared with me.
There's also a beautiful poem by poet and writer Mary Walker andsome resources that relate toa few of the topics that are mentioned.
The names of some of the contributors have links to their Instagram / website in case you'd like to check out their work and give them a follow.
I hope you enjoy reading through the advice as much as I have and find them helpful--no matter what age you are!
Avery big heartfelt thank you to each person who took the time to share--I appreciate it very much and will keep your words in mind as I enter my 40s and beyond!
Wishing all my fellow '84 babies and fellow Virgos a very happy birthday and an amazing year ahead!
Please note that the advice shared is based on each person's unique experience and may not reflect my own opinions and views. The idea for this post comes from a place of sharing, learning, and listening. It's not my intention to tell anyone what to do. Many of the topics are very personal and the choices will differ from individual to individual.Please take what you need and what speaks to you!
Go wherever you want to go, travel while you physically can.-My Mom(she's also always said, health is wealth, honesty is the best policy, and having balance in all the different aspects of life is important :))
The (current) Purpose of My Life is to remind people (especially women) that they are bee-you-tee-full on the outside.
As we age, society’s standards for beauty change. I want you to know that all your life experiences that are etched on your heart only make you more beautiful.
Time is fleeting, please don’t waste it worrying too much how you look. There are more important things to dwell on, like ‘What is Your Purpose in Life?’.- Colleen, 68 years old and aging gracefully
I had so many, but I think the one I will go with is from the comedianHari Kondabolu: “You don’t need to have an opinion on everything. Admitting ignorance and learning from others is key.”-Wileen H.Wileen is a lettering queen! Take a look at her IG if you're a lettering enthusiast too!
Your body will change. You can hate it or embrace it. If you embrace it you'll be happier.
Lift weights and eat more protein.
It's not too late to accomplish your dreams, to meet the love of your life or to travel the world.
Cultivate relationships that fill you up and distance yourself from the ones that sap your energy without giving back.-Erica A.|EricaFinds
Don't go against your known truths.-Bre N.
Stop apologizing for being late, having a messy house, just stop. It's real life. Instead say welcome to my real life home or thank you for waiting for me. I'm so conscious of not saying I'm sorry and rerouting my words and way of thinking and I am really liking this change. Also get to know your doctors.-Devon L.and this is hergolden retriever IGif you want some very adorable pups in your feed!
My 40s are when I hit my stride as an individual. I (mostly) quit worrying about what others thought about me and I became more confident and smart in my decisions. I learned that time was a commodity and I needed to value it more.
When I hit 50, it was a huge milestone for me. I learned a couple of weeks after that I needed to have a complete hysterectomy, which would immediately put me into menopause. It was a turning point for me in many ways. This was also a few weeks before March of 2020 which became another huge milestone for everyone with a global pandemic.
I was so ill-equipped for this phase, despite trying to prepare myself. The physical, mental, and emotional changes are so much more than I ever imagined and I would tell my 40-year-old self to research more about those changes and how to accept them. In my research, I discovered that as women, we spend one-third of our lives in menopause/post-menopause. In other words, it's a big part of our life and I don't think women in general realize it until it happens.
Aging can be scary, but I have learned to embrace this phase of life and know that every wrinkle, flaw, bump, and scar is part of the story of 'me'. I can't go back and frankly, I don't want to. I love who I am in this season. I am at a phase where I can take care of myself, travel, be spontaneous, and feel grateful for each day.
My advice to my younger self would be to wear sunscreen every day, eat real foods, drink more water, move my body more, lift heavy, create as much art as possible, learn more about finances and investing, and take every opportunity to see the world.-Kim W.|The Happy KimI am a big fan of Kim's 5 things newsletter, you can sign up at her website!
Take charge of your health and understanding of perimenopause and menopause.-Rhonda B.
This came from my mother’s mother…Trust your first mind. Simply put and deeply challenging to do at times as a woman growing up in a culture that tells you to put others first. But it never fails me!-Jeanine H.
Make time for those you love.
Find your tribe and invest in them
We are not promised tomorrow.
Keep exercising. Strength training is not about looking cute in your clothes, it is about being able to perform the activities of daily living independently.
Splurge and have dessert now and then.
If you buy a home, buy a single story. You don’t think about not being able to walk up stairs until you are much older and it becomes a challenge.
Be equally yoked with the person you are considering to be your spouse.
Pink flags in dating can become red flags in marriage.
You matter.
You are so valued.
You are enough.
God loves you.
- Debra H.
Don't worry about what other people think. Do what makes YOU happy. We're not in high school anymore, but we're still young enough to enjoy life and have many new experiences!-Anonymous
Learn how to love yourself, which includes learning the difference between loving yourself and narcissism.
Relationships are a balance between autonomy and intimacy, between separateness and mutuality. It's rare when you both are at the same point on the continuumat the same time.
We are all at least a little anxious about committing ourselves to a relationship. We are afraid of disappointment, hurt, dependency, and engulfment to name a few. The paradox is that in a relationship withoutcommitmentthese fears are more likely to come true.
Communication is core. Operating instructions about what we need in a conversation. "Here's what I need. What do you need? How shall we work this out? Getting 2/3rds of what you want and need is great. No one gets 100%.
Talk about yourself, not your partner. The first has the potential to elicit understanding, the other is defensive. Focus on your half of the problem.
Shame is a normal human emotion. We can respond with blame or withdrawal. Humanizing and expressing shame brings understanding and closeness.-Ellen B.
Enjoy it! Pay attention to the changes in your body for good hormonal health and to stay strong.-Lisa M.
My mid-40s were the beginnings of immense growth; It’s when I looked deeper, searched for something greater in my circ*mstances, had the insight to create change, and discovered more abundant living. Below are a few nuggets of wisdom that I have learned along the way: There’s great depth in life’s loss and transition. Allow it to create a stirring within and seek the growth it offers. What once felt like suffering, leaves an indelible mark that also offers renewal. In general, people focus more on themselves than others. Intentionally be the opposite and put others first. You will be blown away by what happens. Often people enter your life for a season. Be present and enjoy the experience. And if they part, allow them to go and sprinkle goodness in someone else’s season. It takes vulnerability, a humble stance, a vision for the future, and boldness, to let go of things that entangle us. When we strip away our distractions—we discover a whole new (and abundant) life. There is a big difference between agreeing and doing. One is a head nod and uh-huh, and the other makes a plan, feels the risk, yet takes a step forward anyway. Always strive to be a doer. Our purpose comes in many forms. It’s not singular. It doesn’t have to attract thousands or receive accolades to be extraordinary. It unfolds when we use our unique voice and gifts. It culminates when we release to others what is stirring within. Our opinions matter, yet our actions will always speak louder than words. When the noise level gets too high, we accomplish more in the quiet of love. Some of the most exceptional experiences in life are unseen by those who are desperately trying to create their own.
The opposite of control is trust. There is someone much greater and in control than ‘me’. When we put God first and trust His plan, without exception, He always provides and is right on time. If you don’t know God, just ask Him who He is.
-Dannielle A.
Don't be surprised when your arms suddenly aren't long enough to read that tiny print--it's totally normal. My eye doc confirmed this happens around 40 years old. Mine happened at 40 so I have to hold things a little farther away than I used to. - Susan C. | SusanChiang.com If you're a watercolor enthusiast, definitely check out Susan's tutorials and classes!
The below are things I’ve tried to live by throughout my life in hopes it would help minimize regrets when looking back. Ways to live my life compassionately, honestly, and with eyes open.
Change what you can and don’t worry about the rest…make the best decision you can with what you know.
Stop worrying about doing it wrong…you don’t have to be the best.
It’s easy to do the things you’re good at.
“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can” - Arthur Ashe
Give yourself 15 minutes to cry about it then put on your big girl panties. (Grieve, figure it out, deal with it, and move on.)
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” —Winnie the Pooh
I always understood I would one day be old, I just didn't know it would happen so fast.
In your early 40s get in the best shape / shape you want to be in-- set the tone for the years ahead. If you don't already have strength training as part of your exercise habits, start.
In your mid-40s your body will change and establishing good habits earlier will help you through any changes. Be kind to yourself, the changes you go through, it's a part of aging.
Take care of your health, don't skip your yearly check ups and recommended tests/exams.
Don't skip the sunscreen. If you feel like wrinkles will bother you, start an anti-aging routine, it's easier to delay the wrinkles vs. trying to get rid of them.
Stay active, do squats, sit in a crossed legged position, and do other stretches that help maintain hip mobility.
Do what brings you joy, take yourself out, do what you need to maintain your peace. Make time to enjoy life.- Anonymous
My advice is to take care of yourself and be grateful for good health. It is something you will not appreciate until it changes. Be as active as you can every day!Know that you will likely have many acquaintances throughout your life, but very few friends. A friend will accept you as you are even if you disagree on something or anything!- Diane D.
Perimenopause / menopause - start preparing now with healthy habits.-Eunice C.
Don't take the people you love for granted, friends and family. Life is full of uncertainties, so appreciate them, see them, as much as possible. Whether it's a big or small contact, you'll be glad you did in your later years.
Try to have balance in your life, and be active besides eating right. Too much work now can create health issues later.
Material things may seem what you want now, but experiences are where memories are made.- Anonymous
In your 40’s and every day of your life…
Enjoy the simple things.
Be grateful for the gift of each new day.
Be your authentic self and work onimproving yourself - faith, health,knowledge, outward focus, actions, and otherlife skills.
Refrain from overbooking your days.
Prioritize, organize, and delegate.
Don’t waste time overthinking things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Look for the good in everything andeveryone and you’ll be pleasantlysurprised to see that’s what you willoften find.
Always think about and be grateful for allthe people who have invested in youand for the things you’ve been blessedwith…and then pay it forward.
Your unique experiences help you grow,gives you insight, empathy, wisdom,and knowledge to help others goingthrough similar situations.
You can choose to be happy, content andat peace regardless of your circ*mstances.
Be a good example in your character, inyour speech, in your work ethic, andin the way you treat everyone.You never know how you may changethe life of someone watching you.
Get to know God and live out your faith in Him by selflessly loving others with joy, showing His love, wisdom, and compassion to all.Be a good steward of what you’ve beengiven.
Have regular family meetings/discussionsso that everyone knows what’s happening and how they can contribute.
Really get to know, understand, spendtime with, and appreciate your parents and grandparents- you don’t know how much longeryou’ll have with them.
- Anonymous
Be prepared 😵💫 The slower metabolism, abundance of grey hair, more noticeable wrinkles, longer recovery time, aches and pains are no joke 😭🤣- Lisa J.
I recently found out that Vitamin C serum can turn your skin orange! It has the same reaction as sunless self tanner. This one might be TMI but in your mid 40s be prepared for potentially having sweaty underwear. Both my friend and I have experienced this.- Anonymous
I'm only 42, but no one tells you about perimenopause, only menopause so your cycle might be normal but all of a sudden your brain just straight up malfunctions and you think you're going crazy but nah... I mean yah.. you are but it's because your hormones are wonky!! I feel like Johnny 5 lol -Claire J.
I turned 40 and while waiting for that birthday I was scared about it (I don’t wanna lie about it!) because I was afraid to feel “old” and still not doing the “grown up stuff” (i.e. get married, own a house, or have a baby) but then the X day came and went and I realized that something clicked…One year passed (just turned 41) and I noticed that I started to not give a f*ck about what people think about me, I ended friendships that no longer worked, I work more but I try to travel every time I can, and I made peace with my body. Who cares if I’m a bit overweight (I’m Italian, I like good food😋) and I noticed that I complain less but I act more… life is too short to lose time.-EllieHappy 41st Birthday!
I honestly don’t have any advice, per sé… I turn 46 next weekend, and this age has really crept up on me - as in, people who are 46 are old! That’s not me, haha! I think so far I’ve been very lucky and haven’t experienced the brain fog etc. etc. which some of my friends have. What I have experienced is that in the last 6 months/year I’ve realised I suddenly have a lot of grey hair, I can tell certain areas of the skin on my face have become ‘old’, and I’ve realised I’ve developed that midlife excess. Weight around my middle, and my hair is shedding SO MUCH. It really did creep up on me and now I’m wallowing in the ‘oh my goodness how did this happen will I ever be back to how I was?’
That’s all appearance based. Mentally, I think I’m in a really good place of being happy and content with how I am, happy not trying to fit in/please everyone.
I’m waiting for someone to tell me - do this easy thing and your face will look less creased (😂) and your tummy will disappear. However I’m not really a makeup and looks person, so deep down I’d love to look better, (whatever that means as someone who gets a teenager in the 90s…) but know that ultimately I’ll just get on with life and continue being content and glad I’m not actually younger!
- AnonymousHappy 46th Birthday!
The only advice / guidance that I give to anyone these days is that if it makes you feel a little bit more happy or more content or filled with more ease then that is a direction to lean into. Follow your bliss.
It's not so much about the details of your physical life but rather the positive and exciting feelings you can search out and hold on to.
Obviously if there's turmoil and uncertainty and confusion or trauma or sadness or anything less than Joy you're not going to find your way to happiness in one step.
But what you can do is find the next easiest thing that makes you feel even the tiniest bit better. Whether it's a nap or a walk or getting a dog or cutting your hair or clearing your desk or polishing your nails or calling a friend or hiding from a friend or watching TV or the clouds or standing in the rain or the sun or the wind -- whatever it is that gives you a little relief or a little momentum towards feeling better -- well that's the most important thing.
Get your head right--get your head and heart feeling better even in the tiniest bit--and then the next step will be incrementally easier and the step after that even easier.
I kind of wish somebody would have told me this when I was younger. I went many years thinking that finding my own Joy in my own personal steps was not an option -- I have always been happy and positive but I have also spent much time fighting for things and pushing against things instead of letting ease and receptivity lead the way. - Claudia
I absolutely love the beautiful and wise words poet and writerMary Walkershares. I really wanted to include one of her poems and was going to pick one myself then thought, maybe I could reach out and see if Mary would pick one! Lucky for me, she responded and generously shared 3 poems to choose from. Below isI, River, which also sums up the advice she'd like to share. Thank you so much for your special contribution, Mary!
I, River
Every river has its life.
The young, sinuous,
carving and sculpting rocks,
rushing forward in waterfalls,
haste, haste,
grit and hurry.
It is not will
that carries me now, but trust
and the ocean’s deep call.
In the opening out of a life
time expands and lands unfold,
bowing, allowing me through.
I lay back and trust.
Like water, I find my own level.
Cupped in Earth’s hands,
I cover fathoms
with no effort at all.
Watch now as I braid this land.
Listen, I sing of the sea.
-Mary Walker, fromThe Land Will Hold You/WebsiteI love receiving Mary's weekly newsletter,A Beautiful Beginning, where she shares a poem to start the week with.
RESOURCES
Here are a few podcasts and articles I've listened to / read and found interesting and helpful regarding some of the topics mentioned above.
- Dr. Marie Clare Haver On Diary of a CEO Podcast: They're Lying To You About MenopauseWatch/listen on YouTubeor on your favorite podcast platform.This came out 8 month ago and was the first time I heard about perimenopause! I think this is a super important and informative listen and have shared it with many of my girlfriends
- Dr. Ramani on Dear Shandy Podcast: Navigating NarcissimWatch/listen on YouTubeor listen on your favorite podcast platform.
- You're Turning 40 - Embracing Both Physical & Emotional Changes- Mankato ClinicRead it here"Studies show that women 40 and older tend to be more confident and know why they like and need than in their earlier years." This article also touches on physical and emotional symptoms of perimenopause.Thank you Archna for sharing this article with me!
Humans Age Dramatically At Two Key Points In Their Life, Study Finds - CNNRead it hereCan you guess what ages they are? (Hint--both are past age 40!)
Chef Babette on the Rich Roll Podcast: Transform Your Life With Food: Chef Babette On Fitness At 70+, Self Love & ReinventionWatch/listen on YouTubeor listen on your favorite podcast platform.I actually have been to Chef Babette's restaurant in Inglewood, CA! But I had no idea of her story. There were some very difficult parts and I think she is so inspiring. And she looks AMAZING--so strong and healthy--for 70+! She just returned to the podcast (I haven't finished the entire episode yet) which youcan find here:Transform Your Life At Any Age: The Ripped 73 y/o Vegan Chef on Fitness, Self-Love, & Reinvention
